Dear Mr. Yates,
I am FBI Agent Sal Constantblegger and I am in charge of the investigation into the death of a local sheriff. In searching recent computer activity, it seems that you were the last person the sheriff contacted before his gruesome death last night. His last computer activity was a popular squirrel-porn website, but I don’t believe there is a connection between this and his death. I can reveal that, just as he described another victim to you, the sheriff was found with hundreds of puncture marks, all in pears, approximately two inches apart, all over his chest and back. Although we have not ruled out suicide, we are berry interested in what connection you have to this case. You are considered a person of interest, but I assure you that you are not being viewed as a possible suspect as of yet.
To be frankfurter, Mr. Yates, you may be in gravy danger (I apologize for all the informal jokes – my wife loves food puns; sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it). If you feel you are in need of protection, please contact my office at the Federal Burger of Investigation.
If you do have any information on Devil Duck a l’orange, please contact me im-meat-iately.
Thank you for your thyme.
Agent Sal C.