“Advice Column” by Aunt Betts

Dear Aunt Betts,

My boyfriend confessed to me this weekend that his favorite color is yellow. What should I do???

—Frightened for Him

Dear Frightened for Him,

I would like to take this opportunity to address a sensitive issue that is culturally relevant today. I assume from the framing of your question, “My boyfriend confessed to me this weekend that his favorite color is yellow – what should I do?” that your concerns lie in your boyfriend’s true sexual identity.  This is a good teaching moment for all members of society – one cannot judge others based on stereotypes, particularly something as benign as a favorite color.  Indeed, it is reckless and irresponsible to try and “out” someone, possibly putting them in a place where they are subject to public shaming, or worse.  I can’t tell you how important it is to avoid assumptions based on trivial facts and hope you will avoid further examination until you have evidence much stronger than a color preference.

With that said, I am glad you wrote. Not only is this an opportunity to talk about prejudging some based on stereotypes, I think it is also vitally important to investigate a much larger potential problem.  As everyone knows, yellow was also the favorite color of a huge, historical icon: Adolph Hitler.  And while I’m not saying that your boyfriend is a closeted Nazi, I have put together a simple questionnaire to help you arrive at the truth.

  • Does your boyfriend own a large amount of Nazi memorabilia?
  • Is there an obvious lack of Nazi memorabilia? (Everyone is bound to collect a few Nazi trinkets now and then, so an absolute absence would be very suspicious).
  • Does your boyfriend frequently use anti-Semitic epithets?
  • Does your boyfriend never use anti-Semitic epithets? (Again, just as with the Nazi collectibles, a total non-use of racial epithets is very telling).
  • Does your boyfriend have a lot of white friends?
  • Does your boyfriend own, or has anyone in his extended family, past or present, ever owned a Volkswagen?
  • Does your boyfriend find any of the comedians not to be hilarious: Jerry Seinfeld, Billy Crystal, Jon Stewart, Sarah Silverman, or Mel Brooks?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, Ms. Frightened for Him, it is clear your boyfriend is a strong Nazi sympathizer.  If this is the case, please contact the Anti-Defamation League and your local news to report him.  Thanks for the question!

~Aunt Betts

About richardfyates

Compulsive creator of the bizarre and absurd. (Artist, writer, poet, provocateur...)
This entry was posted in advice, horror, humor, nazis, yellow and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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