(Warning: contains references that you must be THIS old to understand)
Slourgh was, indeed, a believer,
but not of The Monkees and not a Justin “Belieber,”
Slourgh always sought higher powers,
that did not entail handing out airport flowers.
Plus Slourgh had a pet peeve,
of having to dress up in order to believe.
If God loves unconditionally, the point of nice dress is moot,
so why should Slourgh have to dress up in a suit?
That is when he found the church of Heaven’s Gate,
a religious cult he would highly rate.
All in tracksuits, to Halley’s Comet they would ascend,
together, side-by-side and friend-by-friend.
The blessed day came and Slourgh lifted his arms,
reaching for a heaven with no pain and no harm!
But as his brethren arose and left their Earthly psyches,
he could not ascend – because he wasn’t wearing Nikes.
(Note: Slourgh survived the Heaven’s Gate mass suicide and currently lives in Palo Alto, California, where he works as a data analyst for a mid-level IT firm. When reached for comment, Slourgh said that he is “Single and ready to mingle” and that he still does not own a pair of Nikes, the chosen sneaker of the Heaven’s gate cult).
—O’Brien & Yates
[Words by Richard O’Brien. Image by Richard F. Yates.]