“The Gospel according to Yolkoltak the Pretnetious” as Transcribed by Josh Erdahl

(The following is a recently discovered un-edited version of one of the most holy sections of the DIM holy book. Much controversy has stemmed from this text, and many conclude because it was discovered in an email in a DOCx format that it is totally made up, but we will allow the reader to make up his or her or their own mind as to its authenticity.)

The Gospel according to Yolkoltak the Pretnetious*

Vacillate, verily, on the truth, for all is folly.
Folly is all and all is truly without accord to un-folly-ness.
Holy Folly.
That is all.

Amen.

Yeah, right.
Like you really thought I’d let it go at that?

Not.

Psych!

Now. Down to it.
As we can clearly see, the world is naught but folly. (Others may have made similar observations in the name of “vanity” but that was because they are totally vain. Losers).
What I am saying is totally different. Folly is not the same as vanity. Not in any way.
I mean, they may have been suggesting that vanity is a concept tied to the human interference with the plans of the Great Amoeba in the Sky – sometimes referred to as “The GAS” — but this is in no way similar to what I’m saying.
So this is totally not plagiarism.
Because I say so.

And when I say, “‘Folly of follies’, says the guy who stands at the front of a room full of students, ‘all is Folly’.” I mean this in the most unique and in my own words kind of way.

Never mind that “guy who stands at the front of a room full of students” sounds so awkward as to draw attention to what the original word in the quote might have been…like, “teacher”, but in this case the reader would be totally wrong. ‘Cause this is the way the words came to me from the mouth of The GAS.

Anyway, back to my main point, which is that Folly is folly-ness. And stuff.

I am not repeating myself because I’m making this shit up, and my publisher is breathing down my neck about some “new scripture” – why won’t these guys just get off me already, like this shit is easy to make up – ( I mean that only in a hypothetical way, and hope that the editors leave it in the final text as to confuse the issue further, allowing for deeper interpretation about the state of mind I was in during the writing, I mean recording of the sacred words of The GAS. {And Hopefully the Church Provisioners don’t notice the missing kegs of wine}).

So.
What was I talking about?

Wine you say?

Oh, yeah, I was in town a few weeks back. Yeah, I know I’m supposed to be receiving the Holy Emissions of The Gas, but I needed to “release some tension” – and by that I don’t mean do some stretching exercises. I’m not talking metaphorically. Not at all. I mean tension as a representation for something else, but not what one might imagine a holy dude getting into. Ya know?

No?

Sex.

Idiots. I’m talking about sex.

I’ve been locked in this cold fricking room for months on end, the aforementioned publishers demanding new “clarifying” texts to aid in the suppression of these very same tendencies in the Great Unwashed Masses. But, how am I to talk about ways to overcome “tension” when all I feel is “TENSION”?

So, I figured, get rid of the tension and then the Emissions of The Gas might be more…clear.

Boy, did that sound gross!

LOLZ.

I think the wine has gone to my head.

Anyway.

I went to town. And I got a bit. Tipshy.

Wow. The paGe lookS a bit bluuurrry. Or shomething.

Folly-nolly, good-golly the GAS has a RASH and it won’t go away!!!!!!!!!!!!

LA-LA-LA-La-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

SO! YOU StupID Fuckers, DON”T do it!! CasuE The GAS says itz stupeid and bad and shit…..

FOllyyy..

Amennenen.

—Transcribed by Josh Erdahl

[*The Gospel of Yolkoltak the Pretnetious was thought for many years to be lost, until Brother Erdahl mentioned that he thought he had a copy laying around, many years ago, and only NOW has the text itself been revealed!]

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About richardfyates

Compulsive creator of the bizarre and absurd. (Artist, writer, poet, provocateur...)
This entry was posted in church of dim, humor, religion, satire and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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