Mother Protozoa wants to help you!
As you know, Mother Protozoa (MP) has predicted the end of Earth’s civilization on next Tuesday. Keep in mind that in spiritual time, “next Tuesday” might mean next Tuesday or 4 trillion years from now; this is important because amateur predictors offer clear deadlines that prevent further fleecing of the masses after the deadline has passed, whereas MP is wise enough to keep such milestones ambiguous, while seeming imminent.
Anywhozit, all life will end next Tuesday, y’all! And since you will have no need for material possessions or loose change, MP is willing to pay YOU .04 cents on the dollar for the value of your valuables and property! This wonderful opportunity means that you can finally sell your house, Faberge Eggs, cars, and gold teeth, all while earning enough for a fabulous dream vacation to Ridgefield, Washington! Tour the countryside! See the sights! Watch a meth-head fight a drifter for an ant-covered burrito! Then, simply wait for “next Tuesday” and enjoy the sweet embrace of End Times!
Please donate all of your possessions to Richard F. Yates (thankless accountant for the Sweet Lord Mother).
That is all.