As you well know, the Church of DIM is your one-stop-shoppe for P&P: Prophecies and Prophylactics; therefore, we take great pride in pointing out that only a week ago we at the Church of DIM predicted that our current “president” would wage battle, due to his pathetic approval rating and embarrassing eyebrows (it is historically proven that starting a new, awesome war is the easiest way to get the public behind you). We began the post by saying that we could “smell war coming,” and lo and behold, it has happened in Syria. And while the CoD does not really condone war (it usually preempts regular t.v. programming), we are encouraged by this latest step toward self-destruction.
But enough about amazingly-accurate war prophecies; our important prediction is that you will buy Church of DIM-brand prophylactics to curb the growth of the human race! Our prophylactics are the only condoms that protect you against fire, as they are made of 46% asbestos! Grown in the Andes Mountains, our prophylactics are nearly 11% organic, and although they are terrible at preventing pregnancy or STDs (pretty much the same thing), our huge selling point is the price: only $129.99 per giant family pack (1)! Buy some today!
(FDA Warning: Church of DIM prophylactics are dangerous. Do not use while operating machinery and especially if you are not operating machinery. Users of Church of DIM prophylactics have experienced delusions of grandeur, kidney rot, unpleasant sentimental flashbacks, and sensations of toe jam).
—Brother O’Brien
The Primitive Entertainment Workshop 