“Time keeps on slippin’ slippin’ splippin’…”
So… I slept pretty well last night—straight thru from about 11:30 P.M. until 5:30 A.M. this morning, which is pretty good for me. No ghostly visitations, no shadow people, no UFOs or demonic insomnia. Just six hours of missing time.
Mariah had to work this morning, and I got up to drive her (so I could have the car to go get some laundry done.) Nothing too strange had happened to us, yet, which was nice, although we did spot a poor, emaciated vampire hiding from the weak Pac NW sun under a picnic table at a park alongside Lake Sacajawea just as “Do You Wanna Hold Me” by Bow Wow Wow started playing on the car stereo. (I would have thrown a bag of plasma to the poor creature, but we didn’t have any left in the car…)
The rest of the ride to Mariah’s work we discussed politics and lies and enjoyed the song “Nature Thing” by The Close Lobsters (which will always remind me of the late 1980s and early ’90s, when I bought most of my music on cassette tapes—which have all broken or molded at this point, forcing me to RE-buy everything on CD or vinyl…except for the fact that a lot of the shit that I loved then is out of print and impossible to find for less than BLACKMAIL prices now…The Buzzcock’s Singles Going Steady costs anywhere from $50 to over $500 on CD??? Are you shitting me??? I paid two bucks for the tape, used, when I bought it back in 1990…but I digress…)
We got to the Eye Clinic where Mariah works, and with a sigh (because we live in a world where we don’t get to play all day and, instead, have to sell our precious TIME to corporations that chew us up for “X” dollars per hour while they make “X” times 10 dollars per hour from our efforts) she got out of the car and went to work.
Now here’s where things start to get weird…
As I left the Eye Clinic’s parking lot and moved into the main mall parking, I turned right and proceeded towards 15th Avenue. On the corner, a tall, bipedal alligator priest was delivering a sermon next to an empty blanket, which I had at first thought was a sleeping man. The alligator barked out, “Do you hunger and thirst to see right prevail?” just as Albert Einstein rounded the corner in a tiny, baby blue compact car and pulled into the same parking lot that I was trying to leave. (Einstein did NOT wave at me, which was a disappointment.) The Gorillaz sang “Humility” as a high school kid, perhaps cutting class, in a funny red hat lunged at the alligator priest, clamped on to the gator’s throat, and drug him behind a dumpster to feast… I turned left onto 15th Avenue.
After driving south for a block or two, Echo and The Bunnymen appeared in the back seat of my Ford Escape and started singing “Bedbugs and Ballyhoo,” which I quite enjoyed. Traffic was light, until we neared Lake Sacajawea again, at which point I spotted a strange, dark-green skinned man-creature (perhaps wearing a wedding dress???) floating in the lake and drinking from a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. (So creamy!)
I turned left off 15th onto Nichols Blvd., only half-a-block from home, but found my ability to turn into the alley blocked by a gigantic multicolored CENTIPEDE of cars and trucks and minivans that stretched approximately sixteen miles in length (farther than even my mystical INNER-EYE could see.) I waited for the creature to pass or for a weak point that I might attack…but nothing… Four hours later, when I spotted a sixteen inch gap between a ’42 Ford pickup and a pink Hummer, I floored it, slamming between the two vehicles, then tossing a grenade out my window to discourage anyone from following me, and I drove down the alley and parked next to the garage.
Then I skipped up the walkway to my house, wiped a little blood onto the door lock so it would open, came inside the house and had a donut and a cup of coffee. Now, I’m ready to start the day!!!
—Richard F. Yates (Holy Fool)
[P.S. – The artwork for this story is ink on found cardboard with digital embellishments and colors, 2019. The music was real, but the occurrences may have been exaggerated, slightly…]
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