“Call for Submissions” by The Primitive Entertainment Workshop
Part One: The Call for Submissions
The Primitive Entertainment Workshop is now holding an open call for submissions. The P.E.W. is accepting submissions for fiction (as long as it’s funny or evil or satirical or about art or monsters), poetry (as long as it’s funny or evil or satirical or experimental—or about monsters), satire, political rants (as long as they’re funny or evil or satirical or experimental or about art or monsters), false news stories (as long as…you get the point), crude drawings, amateurish paintings, strange photographs, manifestos, anti-manifestos, pranks, hoaxes, unusual diagrams (especially for things that don’t or can’t exist, and as long as…), short plays, myths, spells, party tricks, and other rig-um-roll. Please read and/or look through the previous materials published in this space to see if your materials will be in keeping with the spirit or philosophy or aesthetic of The Primitive Entertainment Workshop. All work must be original, unpublished (in any format including on your blog or social networking site), and you must own all rights to the work. Let us repeat this: ORIGINAL, UNPUBLISHED WORK ONLY! AND YES, THAT INCLUDES YOUR OWN BLOG!!! Please understand, as well, that The P.E.W. reserves the right to be critical, smart-alecky, and snotty about submissions, and that publication of your work may lead to commentary from P.E.W. staff that you don’t like or find offensive. If you submit your work to us, be prepared for us to respond to it!!!
Part Two: The Red Tape
By submitting materials to The Primitive Entertainment Workshop, you are giving permission for this group to publish your work, in any format: electronic, physical, paper, psychic, plazmatic, cellophane, or any other medium imaginable, whether invented yet or not, from now until the end of time. We also reserve the right to edit, manipulate, fold, spindle, mutilate, collage, collapse, and deconstruct any materials sent to us for our own purposes or amusements. Should you wish to republish your work AFTER it has been published by The Primitive Entertainment Workshop, that will be fine, as long as you acknowledge that the material was first published by The P.E.W.
Part Three: Remuneration
At this time, The Primitive Entertainment Workshop has no funds with which to pay contributors. In fact, the likelihood is rather high that most contributors will be better off, financially speaking, than the organizers of The P.E.W. With that said, however, The Primitive Entertainment Workshop will do everything within its power to make as much cash as possible with any materials published on the web site, in paper format, through ebook sales, and / or by projecting P.E.W. works into people’s dreams. (See Part Two above for full disclosure of formats that The Primitive Entertainment Workshop will consider using to make cash.)
Reasonable question: If The Primitive Entertainment Workshop is not paying me for my work, why should I contribute? What’s in it for me?
Humble (and hopefully highly convincing) answer: The coordinators of The P.E.W. are very poor, starving artist types. Your donations of creative materials will, therefore, not only contribute to a creative community with extremely honorable goals, but will also help to feed, clothe, and continue the work of at least one struggling writer-artist and his adorable and loving family. In addition, you will receive the following, non-capital based, but incredibly wonderful benefits:
1. Honorary membership into the Horseshittists Movement (with all the honors and benefits such association bestows,) until such time as your works or actions demand that ties with the H.S. be severed. This happens very rarely. (See the 3rd Horseshittists’ Manifesto for some historical background on this topic.)
2. Exposure as part of The Primitive Entertainment Workshop catalog, which may, in turn, lead to new, exciting fans and, possibly, greater personal income in the “long run.” (The Primitive Entertainment Workshop makes no guarantees that association with this group or with the H.S. will increase your fan-base or bank account, and cannot be held responsible if association with The P.E.W. or H.S. eventually impacts your personal or economic condition in any way. We roll. If you want to risk it, you might be able to roll with us!)
3. Warm feelings, knowing that you have contributed to a group of artists and writers who are attempting to make the world a more interesting place through their creative works, and, possibly, helping one particular artist family eat and pay the bills.
Part Four: How to Submit Your Work
All submissions should be sent to The Primitive Entertainment Workshop email:
For those submitting written work, such as poems, stories, articles, essays, plays, manifestos, etc., which do not have especially tricky formatting, please PASTE YOUR WORK INTO THE BODY OF YOUR SUBMISSION EMAIL. Please, do not send attachments for written work. If you do send your written work as an attachment, depending on my mood, I probably won’t read it.
For those submitting visual works, such as photographs, drawings, charts, visual or concrete poetry, etc., please attach your work, IN JPG FORMAT, to your submission email. Bit maps are great quality, but they are also much larger files than I want to have crowding up my storage allotment. If your file shows up in some weird format that I can’t view quickly and easily, I’m probably not going to bother trying to figure out how to see it. I’m in this for the quick and easy. If it gets complicated, I’ll undoubtedly just pass.
If you would like to include a short bio with your submission, no more than three or four sentences, and one link to other work you have available (ONE link, not an entire resume) feel free to past this information into the body of your submission email. Again, depending on my mood, and this is my decision and my decision ONLY to make, I will decide whether I feel like posting the link. Chances are, if I like your work, I’ll include the link, unless you piss me off somehow, and then I retain complete legal right to remove the link, remove the work, and/or excommunicate you from the H.S. group for all time.
Part Five: Final Words
Again, The Primitive Entertainment Workshop welcomes all APPROPRIATE submissions, and will do the best that they can to review and respond to any submissions they receive. It cannot be stressed enough that it is essential that potential contributors familiarize themselves with the materials previously published on The P.E.W. site. Any wildly inappropriate submissions will undoubtedly be accepted and then lambasted and made fun of on an epic scale and in a way that will make the contributors feel ridiculous and powerless, as The P.E.W. explicitly retains the right to do with submitted materials as they please. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS POLICY, THEN DO NOT SUBMIT! Thanks, and have a nice day!
—Richard F. Yates (All-Reaching Emperor of The Primitive Entertainment Workshop)